


Glass

by PurveyorOfBadPuns



Series: Dean Winchester, Gender Issues, and Self Esteem [7]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Gen, Gender Identity, Gender Issues, Genderqueer, Genderqueer Character, Genderqueer Dean Winchester, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, John Winchester's A+ Parenting, John Winchester's Bad Parenting, Makeup, Past Child Abuse, Self Confidence Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-29
Updated: 2014-01-29
Packaged: 2018-01-10 11:46:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,280
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1159337
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PurveyorOfBadPuns/pseuds/PurveyorOfBadPuns
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"'You know, we could get you some makeup if you wanted,' Sam said conversationally over his shoulder."</p>
<p>Not what you think.  (Also NOT wincest.)</p>
<p>No spoilers, mild trigger warning for mentions of past child abuse (non-graphic).  Not necessary to read the others in the series, but it would improve the experience.  (Though you should definitely at least read the first chapter of Raising Men for background.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	Glass

**Author's Note:**

> Look, I know I said I'd post the next chapter of Raising Men next, but I was a little depressed from the first chapter and had to write some nice brotherly shit to get over it. So this is just short and mostly sweet, dealing with healing from his dad's abuse and Dean's need for some independence.
> 
> No spoilers, mild trigger warning for mentions of past child abuse (non-graphic). Not necessary to read the others in the series, but it would improve the experience. (Though you should definitely at least read the first chapter of Raising Men for background.)
> 
> Also, do you even know how cute it is when Sam and Dean both call each other "kiddo?"

Dean didn't know why he picked up the magazine, but while Sam was off buying rabbit food he just seemed to stumble into that section of the store.  As much as he didn't want to admit it (even though the "Sam" voice in his head that was slowly starting to replace Dad's told him that it was okay) the first thing that attracted him about the girl on the cover wasn't her tits, or her ass, but her outfit.  It was a long, green ball gown, really pretty, made of some crazy flowy fabric.  For some reason, he ended up flipping through the pages, stopping on a section about makeup palettes for different eye colors.

Oh, boy, that brought up too many memories.  He suddenly felt fifteen again, remembered how good it felt to look good, the way he wanted to look.  At the same time, it made him wince, remembering how alienated liking it had made him feel, especially after…  He didn't think he'd ever seen his dad so angry for a non-Sammy related problem.  He wanted to put it back, go back to just waiting, but the section about green eyes caught his attention.  He stopped, reading the passage.  _Green eyes are rare, beautiful, and deserve to be enhanced_.  Despite himself, he smiled at that.  It was good to think of himself as rare and beautiful, better to remember that it was because he had his mom's eyes.  _Forest green, luscious purple…_

"You know, we could get you some makeup if you wanted," Sam said conversationally over his shoulder, and Dean nearly knocked him out on instinct.  Instead, he fumbled the magazine, nearly dropped it, and slammed it back onto the shelf with a thump.

"No thanks, Sammy," he said, fairly gently, because Sam _was_ just trying to be helpful.

Sam frowned in concern, and Dean could almost see the gears turning in his head, coming to the conclusion that Dean wasn't completely comfortable with him yet.

"Look, Dean, you don't have to be like that, I don't care…"  He shot Dean a smile that was way to supportive.  "I think you'd look really good in that shade of purple."

Dean had to stifle a laugh at that.  His big, macho brother trying to tell someone what makeup shades looked good.  He imagined Sam having that conversation with Jess.  He hadn't known the girl very well, but he knew her well enough to think that wouldn't have gone well for Sammy.  "Yeah, thanks Sam, but no thanks."

"Even if you just want to experiment in private, I read this thing that said it's healthy to explore your gender identity, especially in the beginning stages of coming out–"

"Sam, I said no," Dean said firmly, and a little more loudly than he meant to.  A couple of people in the deli line turned to stare, and his gigantic puppy of a brother got a hurt expression on his face.  It was a wonder how he could go from Sasquatch, king of the forest to wounded baby animal in just seconds.  Dean sighed.  "Look, kiddo, it was a great idea and it was nice of you to think of it, just, uh, buy your rabbit food and we'll talk in the car, okay?"

Sam finally got the hint and shut up.  "Okay, Dean."  He didn't talk again until they were in the Impala, sitting in the grocery store parking lot.  Dean reached for the ignition, and Sam stopped him.  "Alright, kiddo, you wanna tell me what's going on?" Sam said.

Dean sighed and lowered the key.  "Sammy, you remember that time when I was fifteen and I went away for a few weeks, near the end of the school year?  You were eleven, and Dad made you buzz your hair."

Sam grimaced as he nodded.  "Yeah."

"Dad ever tell you why?"

Slowly, Sam shook his head, waiting for Dean to continue.

"I had this girlfriend at the time, well, more of a girl who was a friend 'cause I don't think we ever kissed or nothing, but she liked to put makeup on me.  And I liked it back, and she didn't think that was weird."

"Then why don't you–" Dean held up his hand, and Sam fell silent.

"One time, just once, I brought her home to the motel to watch TV because her parents were fighting and she wanted to get away, and she brought a new makeup palette to try out, and you were away at study group and Dad wasn't supposed to be home for more than a week–"  He paused and took a deep breath.  "The one damn time Dad ever got home early from a hunt, and it was that fucking week.  He walked in, scared her away, and got us the hell out of dodge.  Dropped me at Uncle Bobby's.  Didn't think he was gonna come back for me, and he never looked at me the same since."

"Oh, Dean," Sam said, hesitantly resting his hand on Dean's arm, and for once Dean didn't pull away.

"Look, it wasn't the worst he did to me," Dean continued, making Sam wince, "But after that it was hard to feel secure with it.  I didn't get a lot of privacy.  And I tried it once, 'cause a girl named Rhonda wanted me to, but it just made me sure that Dad was about to barge in even though it was her apartment and he didn't even know where I was and I had to take it off before we could keep going."

Sam clenched and unclenched his fist that wasn't already on Dean's arm.  "Our dad… was a fucking bastard," he said slowly, deliberately.

"He was just trying to protect me, Sammy," Dean said hopelessly.  "Maybe it was misguided, but he honestly thought that what he was doing was best for me."

"That's what you do, apologize for Dad and pretend things are okay, but they're not, Dean!"  Sam pounded his fist on the seat emphatically, making Dean wince.  "You don't have to be okay, because it is not okay that he did that to you, that he kept doing that to you for years!"

"But I am okay."  Dean forced a smile, trying to calm Sam down.  "I'm just fine."

"You're not, Dean.  You're insecure and scared to be yourself, and you still project that hyper-masculine image Dad taught you whenever you're around someone not me or Cas… fuck, Dean, you damn near broke down when you told me about this.  I'm your brother!"

Dean winced.  "Jeez, don't pull any punches, Sammy,"

"You know that's not what I meant.  Just–  It's okay to acknowledge that you're hurting, alright?"

"What do you want from me?" Dean snarled.  "I'm Dad's kid, and I always will be, Sammy.  You can't fucking make that go away with enough chick flick moments."  He wrenched his arm away from Sam's, putting the key in the ignition.  "I'm always gonna be messed up.  Can you just please accept that this might not be something that you can fix and stop treating me like I'm made of glass?  I'm the same Dean you knew a week ago.  You don't need to tiptoe around me like I might break if you breathe wrong."

"What do _you_ want from me, Dean?" Sam asked quietly, after the car slid into the spot in front of their room.  "You've been taking care of me your whole life, can't I have a turn to look after you?"

Dean sighed.  "Just…  Don't leave again?  That's all I need, you and Cas."

"Wouldn't dream of it, Dean," and in that moment Dean could almost believe that it was true.

**Author's Note:**

> I confess, the makeup tips came from WikiHow. I am just not that in to makeup.
> 
> Disclaimer: My personal headcannon, based on what I observe in the show, is that Dean Winchester is genderqueer. However, I am not saying that he actually is, as that is something that cannot be decided by a third party, and I would only be convinced that he is canonically genderqueer if he said something on the show. I hope that my portrayal offends no one, since although a lot of it was taken from experiences of friends who are genderqueer, I myself am not. If you find something you disagree with, by all means let me know! I like to learn from my mistakes.


End file.
